


If you could see my breaking heart would you run away or stay (I’m going home)

by AtlanticsMarine



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Fluff I guess, M/M, Panic Attacks, also i have a lot of feels about Dex so come to me, also no dialogue bc i'm bad at it for the moment, it's my first fanfic in a way so yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 03:02:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7150427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtlanticsMarine/pseuds/AtlanticsMarine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You learn a lot of stuff about your teammates, Dex realized that pretty early on. He seems to know even more about Nursey that he would like to think; but the one thing that he knows for sure, the fact to end all facts, is that Derek Nurse hate Dex’s guts. </p>
<p>Or : Dex learns to navigate his new life in Samwell and realizes along the way that he can be loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you could see my breaking heart would you run away or stay (I’m going home)

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooooooooo, this goes to Manon, because you're the bae & thank you for being here and sending me proud mom gif.  
> This is the first work I dare to post and it's really hard to do so for me but hey, Shitty would be proud of me I'm sure. Thank you for reading this & Thank you omgcp fandom & Ngozi for being so awesome and making want to write again.
> 
> Also no beta and English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes and all.
> 
> The title is from the song Home by Lighthouse X :)  
> Come say hi on [Tumblr](http://www.captainsparklesandlove.tumblr.com/)

     Derek Nurse didn’t know when to shut up. That’s a proven fact, everybody knows it and Ransom might have an excel sheet about it somewhere in his files. Derek Nurse was most likely the most ‘unchill’ bro you would never meet at any given moment in your life, even if he wants you to believe otherwise. Derek Nurse can cook a mean pasta dish. Derek Nurse loves lasagna day at the cafeteria. Derek Nurse is a fan of Penguins.

     You learn a lot of stuff about your teammates, Dex realized that pretty early on. He seems to know even more about Nursey that he would like to think; but the one thing that he knows for sure, the fact to end all facts, is that Derek Nurse hate Dex’s guts. Dex felt hatred before, he grew up with it actually. Being poor was no fun, no easy cruise and he learned pretty early on to take shit from no one. Dex learned a lot of stuff since he was old enough to learn that life was not always fair and that eating is not actually necessary every day. So yeah, Nursey hates him and Dex knows he might have done something wrong but he can’t go back and fix it now, because Nursey doesn’t seem to be the type to fix things when they’re broken.

    Dex never really learned to go through words to express feelings, because who would have time to listen to him? To hear him? Being in Samwell is overwhelming. Suddenly, people do have time to listen to him. To walk him through stuff. He has to use his words to explain what he wants, what he means. It always seems to be wrong, for some reasons, though. People will listen to him but look at him with some underlying pity, sometimes with outright discomfort at his words.

    He learns anyway, because his teammates don’t look at him like he’s stupid. They look at him like he is worth something, like maybe Dex was somehow important. And they explain things to him, things he never had the opportunity to ever knew because what the fuck do you think we’re teach in public high school, Shitty? Do you think that I had time to read more than I was supposed to? That I had time to go on the internet to see that the world is big? I had to help my parents, to fix things, always, to study, study and sometimes play hockey. Even then, the Samwell Hockey Team is an exception to the rule, dude. Not everyone knows so much about equality and accept it as a fact.

    It’s not that Dex was anything-phobe, it is just that he didn’t know. He didn’t realize because he had other things in mind. He admits this, quietly, one day to Bitty when they are both in the kitchen late at night and Bitty has to stop for a moment and suddenly Dex has an armful of his teammate without really understanding why. He doesn’t let go though, because a hug after the day he has is not a bad idea. Without even realizing it, he’s crying, letting go of everything.

    It’s been 6 months since he arrived in Samwell and his ideas turned around like 90° spin-turn-around and he just, he hates himself, sometimes, for not realizing how much of others he had missed by just closing his eyes. It’s been 6 months and this morning Nursey had told him to go fuck off because of some petty discussion, and Dex is trying, he is trying so hard but it does not seem good enough, and what a joke, really, to him, who believed that maybe going into Samwell will made him finally good enough. He spills everything to Bitty and Bitty just look at him. He doesn’t even start a pie, or cookies or anything. He just sit with Dex’s head on his lap, on the nearly clean floor of the Kitchen and he listens, like nobody had listen to Dex’s.

   Somewhere in the middle of his babbling Jack appears in the kitchen and sat with them, laying a hand on Dex’s ankle and just listening too. Dex never felt this listened, this heard before. He never talked that much, and he’s getting scared he is letting show so much, letting them know stuff he should not say but Jack and Bitty look at him like he is someone, like they get it, they finally get William Pointdexter, like he is their friends.

   Things seem to get better after this. He still fights with Nursey, but Jack and Bitty are here for him, gets that things can become sometimes too much and are happy to sit with him until he walks though his feelings. Who knew he had so much of them? Bitty drives him to a therapist, once a week to work through his panic attacks and his anger management. Every day are not easy, but more of them are, now.

    He fights with Nursey, once and he has a panic attack just in front of him, because he just, he can’t take it anymore, to be hated so much and Nursey seems stuck on the spot hearing Dex yelling this at him. And Dex is panicking because he could not, could not, could not let him see, because he will end up hurting him and he just he can’t breathe and he his fighting it he knows he can fight he learned how to but he can’t feel anything except for the burning in his throat and he doesn’t know where he is anymore, there is just not enough hair and he is getting dizzy and somewhere in all this mess he can feel tears running down his cheeks and what is happening to him, calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down Dex.

    He hears it, through his gasps for air, the soft voice of Jack, asking for him to breath with him, asking if it’s okay for Jack to touch Dex and he tries to focus just on this, the voice of his captain counting down with him, the air coming back in his lungs, and when he finally opens his eyes the whole team is here, watching him with something like worry, no pity, worry and love maybe? They all clear up pretty quickly after that, not before squeezing Dex’s shoulder. Nursey stays though and watch him like he sees Dex for the first time, as if there was something he seemed to understand, finally.

    He sits down next to Dex after nobody is left in the room and he stares at him for a long time before resting his head on his shoulder and in the quiet of the kitchen, he whispers “I’m sorry” for Dex only to hear. Nursey looks so open, so vulnerable, like he is waiting for something to go wrong but Dex just grabs his hand and squeezes it, its warmth grounding him. He lets himself bask in the feeling, hoping that it will come back again.

    Things do not get better just like this, just with a sorry. There are fights, and tears, and a trust to build one step at a time. Their trust is build, against all odds, until none of them really remember what it was, to not be friends. The warmth comes back,too, time and time again. When Nursey helps him with English, when they celly on ice, when they have a waterfight in the middle of winter. When they bundle under all the Haus’ blankets and watch Pixar movies because Dex had had a pretty bad panic attack, when they study side by side in the library, when Nursey tells him, quietly, in the dark of his dorm room, what it’s like to not feel love when you’re a child. The warmth does not leave at all after a while, and Dex learns easily to live with it, to have a best friend, to have someone who look at him like he is worth something after all.

   Dex doesn’t like to admit he was wrong when it comes to Nursey but he might admit this, now. It seems like Derek Nurse does not totally hate his guts for real. It’s the end of their sophomore year, and Nursey and Dex are friends. Like real friends. They annoy each other to no end and know exactly what to say to just drive their D-Man up the wall, through the windows and to fucking Mars, but it works because, as it appears, Derek Nurse like to getting stuff fixed, it is just that nobody really gave him the occasion to do so. They have fun, together, they argue all the times, but they know when to just stops and enjoy the other company. They have their inside jokes, their fave place to eat, and Ransom and Holster are on fucking Yavin because of this and Chowder is… Chowder. When Ransom and Holster gave them their dibs, they are excited to live together for 2 years even if Bitty squeals (I did not squeal Dex, thank you very much) at the idea to have them in the same room.

   Dex doesn’t like to admit that he was wrong when it comes to Nursey, but he might admit this now. It seems like Derek Nurse does not hate his guts at all. It’s the middle of their junior year, and Nursey is lying next to Dex on their tiny bed, tracing constellations with Dex’s freckles, making up stories just to make him laugh and it works, because it’s all Nursey seems to do lately, making Dex laughs, and smiles, and well yells and rolls his eyes but hey, it’s their thing, right. Dex might even admit that Nursey is chill, sometimes, when he is in boyfriend arms and they are looking at each other like, like all the metaphors that Derek wrote in his poems.

    _Dex doesn’t like to admit that he was wrong when it comes to Nursey, but he might admit this now._ It seems like Derek Nurse loves him. A lot. It’s the end of their Senior Year and they found a flat to live in together next year, together. It seems like Derek Nurse loves him, if the ring that is around his finger when he walks the stage on Graduation’s day is anything to go by.


End file.
